When is a sign an acknowledgement from another place and time and not a happy coincidence? Follow me, you purchase a new car then all of a sudden you see that exact same model all over town. Is it someone or something telling you that you made a wise choice, or has you brain been opened up to a new level of perception and recognition?
While a more serious matter than buying an automobile how do you recognize signs or messages from loved ones and how does it reinforce spirituality and belief in a higher power? Once again, when you receive a supposed sign from a departed loved one is it for real or has your mind opened up to new possibilities? Or both.
I ask Kyle for signs all the time. While not of deep faith, but much deeper than 2 months ago, I believe he is somewhere watching over us. Within the span of two days, we had a waiter named Kyle, then a character named Kyle in an SNL skit. Heck, there was even a repertory character from SNL literally named Kyle Mooney. But Kyle's not an uncommon name so I'm left deciding between whether or not these are happy coincidences or messages from beyond.
After Kyle's death I was convinced I was going to jump headfirst into faith and the church as a way to stay connected to his memory. The congregation and leadership at Fellowship Church were so kind and protective following Kyle's death that I felt as if I owed God the opportunity to reenter my life. And I have to a certain degree; I pray, and I go to Church. I have a brand-new copy of a Bible on my nightstand and a rosary gifted from a dear friend. But I've always struggled with the idea of Heaven as its described to us and have viewed God as more of a larger entity as opposed to a singular being.
However, I often come back to the idea that as someone living on planet earth, I am an impossibly small part in a galaxy that is one of what is estimated to be between 100 to 200 billion other galaxies. That past planet Earth there is very likely other living creatures or beings inevitably created by someone or something. That's the trump card. You can test the theory of gravity. You can freeze water and turn it into ice cubes. But you cannot disprove God.
And while we practice Christianity in our house, our next-door neighbors are Syrian. And the people across the street are a mixed Jewish and Catholic family. We celebrate Easter, the Jews celebrate Rosh Hashana and the Muslims honor Ramadan. Our practices and cultures are very different, but we are all trying to get to the same place...eternal happiness. Which brings me to the concept of spirituality, faith and messages from beyond.
I don't need to have relationship with God to believe to messages from the dead, but I believe it helps. Why? Because it helps me to have faith. And with faith comes the expectation that I trust good things will befall me and my family. You may wonder how someone who just lost their son can trust that good things will happen to them, but after the last two months, nothing scares me. I have faith, it has been reinforced whether by Kyle's spirit, his death or my own self-confidence, but I don't fear because I have been through the worst and I am still standing. That alone should be a message to us all. The triumph of the human spirit.
Last week Erica, Leah and I all dreamt about Kyle. It was the first time I'd heard his voice since the night before he died. That night I laid in bed and begged for him to come to speak to me. My dream was brief and centered around he and I talking about school. Erica's dream was similar only she was driving Kyle to and from practice / school with Leah in the backseat. And Leah's dream was the four of us at the beach together. Not one of us has dreamt about him since he died, yet all of a sudden in the span of three days we all have vivid dreams where we are speaking to him. Once again, did he hear my pleas or was it all a happy coincidence? Had I opened my mind to his presence again and did me discussing it with Erica and Leah open up their minds to the possibility? Regardless, it was a welcome meeting and one I hope happens again very soon and very often. I had faith he would return to me, and it happened, thus reinforcing my trust in the inevitable good that's right in front of me.
Last July we were readying to leave town for an extended weekend with family. As I was getting ready for (aka getting out of the shower) I heard a large thud coming from Leah's bedroom. She had fallen out of her lofted bed which sits 7' in the air and landed on her back / head / neck area. Like Kyle, I knew something was wrong and ran into her room. She was partially blocking the door making it difficult to reach her. When I did her eyes were rolling back in her head, she was seizing and in and out of consciousness. Erica was crying on the phone with 911, Kyle was screaming in our room and crying, "Is she dead? Is she dead?" After 30 seconds, which seemed like an eternity, Leah woke up, looked at us and said, "I have to go pee", then proceeded to go about her day like nothing happened. The EMS arrived, gave her the full battery of concussion tests, blessed her with a clean bill of health and left. They compared the blow she took to a prize fighter getting knocked on the canvas. Her brain shifted when she hit the ground, and she was trying to readjust before she came back to a normal state. It was the scariest thing that had ever happened to me up until that point. It gave my stomach pains to think about it for a few days following.
Now I know that what happened to Leah was a test. It was a test to see how we reacted in the moment and looked to prepare us for Kyle's death. There are so many parallels in what happened to my children that it's impossible to deny the connection. It was a sign, a glimpse into the future and a mental exercise to unlock the possibility in our psyche of losing a child.
Leah's here and today is her 8th birthday As I type this, she's asleep in the same bed she fell out of 6 months ago and will soon come down to unwrap her presents. Just this past week she went to a pediatric cardiologist to determine whether or not she is afflicted by some of the same genetic deficiencies that affected Kyle. Long story short, she has a normal, perfectly healthy heart and nothing of concern to the doctors. More consultations and testing are possible, but as of her 8th birthday she is a healthy, happy little girl. On the day she was born Kyle laid in the hospital bed, cradled her in his arms and told her he was going to love her, "Forever and ever". We have the recording on our phones and watch it often, especially today. I justify his passing in this moment by remembering that video, her cardiologist and the message he gave her, gave us. Kyle's affliction affects 1 in 100,000 and the odds that a normally healthy adolescent boy would die from cardiac arrest are even smaller. Which leads me to the question I've asked myself all week; "Was he chosen for this?" If I have faith, I believe he was chosen. I believe he was chosen to protect his sister from a similar fate. And he was chosen to protect the child of someone reading this blog that may want to curiously probe into their own genetic heart health and that of other family members.
Have I opened myself up to a new level of consciousness about the cruelty of death? Or is everything that transpired with my children's health over the last six months just a series of unfortunate coincidences? I choose to believe the former. I choose to have faith in something greater that myself. And I choose to believe in the great big sign with the arrow point to the right that reads, "One Way". And if I follow that sign, where will it eventually lead me? I trust that it will lead to the solace I need, the answers I crave and another day with my son.
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