Go...

I haven't posted in nearly a month, which is not a coincidence. As we approach 9 months without Kyle I've had many discussions with my therapist about two specific aspects associated with my emotional well-being:

1. I'm tired of being sad.

2. I feel guilty that I don't feel worse.

Before I unpack these two points, let me make something painfully clear - I miss Kyle every second of every single day. I think about him constantly and miss simply hearing his voice. I played golf with a friend and his son yesterday who was a teammate of Kyle's. While it wasn't hard being around Kyle's friend it just made me think about Kyle and I playing golf or simply bonding together. As a man with a son so much of your identity is tied to teaching this young boy how to be a man. So, when the boy dies before his 13th birthday you struggle to find your purpose. But I have run into my grief head first, unafraid of the obvious pain that awaits. Someone told me that I am like a buffalo. Buffalos run to storms and not away from in order to get through the violence and disruption a meteorological event can bring.

Which bring me back to my two points. The moments of sadness are inevitable. Grief is a permanent scar and comes against our will. Now, when I get emotional I know that the sadness does not last forever. It, too, like a storm, will pass. And the sooner I lean into it, the sooner I can get to safe passage. 

As for the guilt, my therapist tells me that the initial pain and shock of losing a loved one is so acute that we assume it's a burden we carry forever. That we don't feel depressed or incapacitated emotionally  months after a significant loss isn't stocking, it's an inevitable part of the grief journey.

As a family we always did a themed Halloween costume. Last year we did the cast of 'Beetlejuice'. Kyle was Beetlejuice and kept walking up to random people on the streets going, "Do you know who I am?" One year, we dressed as characters from the 'Wizard of Oz' and Kyle was the Tin Man. One year, however, we did the cast of 'Inside Out' with Leah dressed as Joy (Erica was Sadness). Most kids movies bore me to tears, but I loved 'Inside Out'. It has such a powerful message that in order to experience joy and happiness we must experience pain. I read an interview where Amy Pohler said she took the role as Joy to teach her kids about how to manage their emotions in the wake of their parents divorce. 

Divorce, like death, deserves a grieving process and a time to feel deeply that pain that comes with loss. I've mentioned before, there is no hierarchy of grief - it all simply sucks regardless of what or whom you've lost in your life.

A building gets torn down and another one is built in it's place. Men die in battle and down the road babies are being born at a hospital. Life goes on and progress is made. You mark the razed building with a plaque. You build a monument with the names of the departed in your town square. You remember. You grieve. But you move forward. It's human nature.

But what do I know? I am 9 months into a lifelong journey that has no roadmap. Recently, I've begun thinking about my birthday in November and the one year anniversary of Kyle's death and dreading those two days. But I know I will get through it, because I have to. There are other children's to raise, marriages to nurture and friendships to cultivate. I guess the best monument I could build Kyle would be to simply keep going, to put my head down and run into the storm. And I know, for an absolute fact, that the wind will be at my back and Kyle will be pushing me forward.